During a crisis, take time to contemplate:
What do I Want Things to Look Like when this Crisis Resolves?
How do you create the mental space to contemplate a future that is uncertain and different from what you know (and desire)? Let me walk you through the steps.
Daily life has changed for everyone. We don’t know when this crisis will pass or what the “new normal” will look like, globally or locally. We’ve all been asked to keep our social distance or self-isolate/shelter-in-place. Isolation is not good for mental health. But—try to reimagine this phase of recovery as:
“Cocooning” vs “Isolating”
We are all going to emerge from this crisis different than we were before.
Use this time to evolve.
How do you want to spend your time?
My rule of thumb is that, during times of disruption or recuperation, everyone gets one “pajama day”—you know what I mean. One day that is so unstructured and unpressured that you never even get out of your pajamas. But—one pajama day can be restorative; two pajama days is flirting with depression. So—have that one pajama day if you need it, then:
Establish healthy daily routines for yourself and your family; edit with an eye toward harmony and efficiency. Keep in mind—you’re not “just getting through this.” You have an opportunity to emerge from this crisis with healthy new behaviors and routines.
How to do this? While you’re cocooning, follow these steps:
Bookend Your Day
Almost everyone on the planet is establishing a new routine. As you work through this, perhaps without the structure of going to work:
- Create, or invoke your already familiar, morning routine
- Bookend: Transition from morning routine to the productive part of your day
- Productive mode: Work, produce, create, imagine
If you’re working from home, attempt to have a dedicated physical workspace
- Bookend: Transition from the productive part of your day to your evening with a notable ritual
- Mark the end the day (time for sleep) with a bedtime ritual
- Review each day and prepare for the next.
This is important for maintaining routine and personal accountability. If you did this before the crisis, don’t drop that grounding ritual now. If you didn’t, now is the time.
I like to use what I call “Daily Accounting.” You can read more about it here.
Binging: Do’s and Don’t’s
Remember the question: How do I want things to look when this crisis resolves?
A little indulgence is to be expected, but do you want the result of your cocooning to be: “I re-watched every episode of Star Trek!” “I gained 10 pounds!” “I developed a drinking problem!”
- Limit binging on video, food, alcohol, bad habits, and worry
Eat healthy. Stay hydrated. Moderate your screen time. Limit bad habits. Enough said.
Limit binging on “worrying” — How?
- Engage in “Focused Worry”
It’s reasonable to be worried right now. That’s why I’m using the term “worry” and not “anxiety.” But “unproductive worry” leads to anxiety. Focus your “worry” so that it’s “productive.”
Allow yourself dedicated, focused time to think through a problem, sort out what you might have some agency over, and establish an action plan. You can make a list of aspects of the problem over which you have no control, but otherwise focus your energy on the things you can exert some control over.
Establish one or two times a day for your focused worry—treat it like a solution oriented work session. Set a timeframe and stick to it.
Do your focused worry at a workspace—don’t let it creep into your mind when you’re sitting on the couch or engaged in other activities.
If something pops into your head that you should research or put on your action plan, jot it down and save it for your focused worry time. Don’t delve into it outside of your planned “focused worry” time—you’re training your brain to contain the problem in time and mental space.
Follow through with your action plan. You need to be able to trust yourself to do what you can do—that alleviates anxiety.
Find your Flow
Most of us keep a list of projects or activities that we would like to get around to someday. . . but when? These projects generally fall into two categories:
- Projects to make my life more organized/manageable/efficient/enjoyable
- Projects I enjoy or want to explore, but haven’t had time for during day-to-day life
Now is the time. Instead of binge-watching, tackle/indulge in these projects. If you don’t have a list, make one now.
By attending to these projects, you’re focusing on what you want things to look like as the crisis resolves.
This can be concrete, such as:
I want my kitchen reorganized.
I want all my digital files organized and backed up.
I want my living space de-cluttered.
I want to finish that project.
And this can be broader, such as:
I want to be more intentional about how I spend my time.
I want to learn about ______________.
I want to emerge from this crisis with a new career path.
Notice how you feel when you engage in these projects, especially the “enjoy/want to explore” projects. Do you find yourself losing track of time, feeling optimally challenged and satisfied as you wind down the activity? Maybe you’ve found your “flow.” Read this for more about flow and flow activities.
You may be discovering a new career path, hobby, or avocation.
Use your cocooning time to explore and grow.
Move your Body Every Day
I’ve written extensively about the importance of exercise for your mind and mood. Physical activity alleviates anxiety and depression, promotes physical well being, and enhances restorative sleep.
Even if you’re cooped up inside, you can try:
Jumping jacks
Pushups
Stretching
Youtube exercise videos
Get Restorative Sleep
If you’re following the steps outlined above, chances are you’re finding your natural circadian rhythm. With exercise, good nutrition, and habits to train your mind/body for the rhythms of the day, sleep will become more restorative. For additional resources, see here and here.
Enjoy the Curative Properties of Nature
If possible, get outside. Breathe in fresh air and look at the sky. Nature, even if it’s just looking at the sky, is restorative and grounding. I hear time and again from depressed clients, when they are finally able to get themselves outside, that “there’s something about nature that just puts it all in perspective.”
If you can get outside, please walk or run. The combination of nature and exercise is especially healing.
As you establish a new normal and find your rhythm, pay attention to what is comforting, exciting, and engaging. Create healthy behaviors and routines that are transportable to the future. And remember: What you’re doing now establishes the groundwork for what things will look like as this crisis resolves.
Of note: Keep in mind your that some people are not staying home and don’t have extra time—medical professionals, grocery store workers, police, fire fighters,, etc. They are physically and mentally exhausted. Please look for ways to support them.
One of the most powerful tools you have for improving your resiliency is your own voice.
Knowledge of your own strengths and capabilities is invaluable for developing a healthy sense of self esteem and the ability to endure challenges and setbacks with an intact sense of self.
I’m dismayed at how many people constantly self-criticize –in a mean-spirited manner they would never foist on anyone else. People sometimes justify this, saying, “That’s how I push myself to do better.” However, relentless self-criticism is not an effective technique because it’s one-sided. It focuses only on the negative side of the equation and solves for nothing. Self reflection is good–you can’t grow if you’re not honest about your shortcomings–but encouragement and a plan for improvement should be the focus (see Daily Accounting).
Pre-packaged affirmations are hard to take seriously because they are often hyperbolic, syrupy, and/or irrelevant.
However, affirmations scripted by you, and recorded in your own voice, can be life changing.
Below is a communication from a client who discovered the power of hearing affirmations in her own voice. Please read this.
Just recorded my 2nd set of affirmations, this one w/some imagery. Doing these tailored to your needs and in your own voice, and/or with imagery that is immediate (rather than multiple choice imagery which is detracting) can get you through barriers you never dreamed you’d break. There is something about one’s own voice, using one’s own mannerisms, saying specific things (rather than generic and partially irrelevant things), that gets to the subconscious and sticks. Real fundamental change happens. Not mere mnemonics that fail in battle or fairytale beliefs that are wonderful but not you at all, none of which come to mind when you need it- probably just because it’s so foreign to who you are. These, tailored, your wording, your needs, your voice, your way of speaking… After listening about ten times in a row, you will pull it out in battle naturally as if it were always a part of you. You find that the way you handle particular situations now are – not robotic or awkward or textbook, but uniquely you. After a while, you will completely absorb the meat of the recording, it becomes a part of who you are, you outgrow the need for it, and can move on to a new one. (— this NEVER happens with boxed/bought affirmations or imagery. They are mostly just temporary relaxation, not life changing).
It’s a goofy feeling to record your own voice, using your own unprofessional wording, and as you’re bumbling around you won’t believe for a minute that it’s going to work. A client might need help/encouragement to write it in his/her own mannerism (if it is in any way ‘canned’ I can’t vouch that it will work), and might need help remembering to speak soothingly and to pause long enough to take a deep breath and let it out between every so-many syllables (think spoon-feed), and to say only affirmative things (ex. ‘My body does bring me pleasure,’ instead of ‘So what if I’m fat,’ both good, but the latter gives no scaffolding to grow on), to speak only of yourself and not others, and repeat the key phrase often. These can be very personal, clients might want to ‘fix it up’ if asked to share it. (I can’t vouch for it working if written to please another).
After getting over the flakiness of it all, recording the right tone and pace, once you hear it… it is like… your subconscious is speaking to you rather than the other way around. Amazing. It WORKS. For me, there was no process of working to ‘become’ the affirmations. After listening repeatedly, closely at first, then as one might listen off handedly to test study prep material, I found myself thinking it and correcting bad thinking with it, with no effort at all. It became me. I used to say ‘I hate myself’ a 1000x a day, automatically, self punishment that seemed right. Now, even under great stress, the idea of saying that feels incongruent with my spirit, as strange and useless as saying ‘I’m a horse’.’ Consequently, I responded differently, maybe not fabulously, but not as someone who hates herself. (Packaged affirmations cannot do that).
Please, please try this. I think this can help others like me. I think it might be a miracle, I think we might have a technique that’ll be the greatest break-through in the past 100 years.
(Shared by a client; permission granted for publication)
The recent tragedy in Dallas, Texas, leaves many people asking not only “How did this happen?” but “How can I help?”
Dallas Police Chief David Brown has asked the community for support:
“We don’t feel much support most days. Let’s not make today most days. Please, we need your support.”
When tragedy strikes, it affects not only those intimately impacted, but also the broader community and beyond.
How do we balance our own emotions and reactions to a tragedy, while acknowledging the greater burden carried by those immediately involved?
The Circle of Grief, or Ring Theory, provides a template.
Psychologist Susan Silk recommends this technique: Draw a small circle and put the name of the person closest to the tragedy in the middle of that circle. Then, draw a larger (concentric) circle and put the name of the person closest to the center person–for adults, this is usually a spouse or partner, but may be children, parents, a colleague, or closest friend. Keep drawing larger circles around the other circles and add the layers of people–close friends, more distant friends, members of the community, etc. Here are the rules:
The person in the center circle can cope any way he/she wants. The job of those in the larger circles is to listen and support.
When talking to a person in a circle smaller than yours, remember that you are talking to someone closer to the tragedy. Your job is to help. You are not allowed to dump your anger, fear, or grief to people in circles smaller than yours. Express these emotions to those in your circle or larger circles.
The concept is simple–“comfort in, dump out.”
And remember, everyone copes in his or her own way. Some people cope best by sharing, others prefer to grieve privately. Both are valid coping mechanisms–private does not mean denial! It’s perfectly healthy to look for comfort in the normalcy of day-to-day life. So don’t be surprised if someone going through a crisis or tragedy chooses to brush the topic aside–and please don’t press!
If you want to help, listen and/or offer practical help (specific offers of help with kids, errands, food–not advice on how to handle the situation, though!). Don’t insert your own grief, anger, or preferred coping mechanisms into someone else’s crisis. Seek support for yourself from those in your same situation (same circle), or those further from the tragedy (larger circles).
Sending thoughts of comfort and support to the Dallas Police Department and Dallas Area Rapid Transit Officers.
I spent a lot of time in 2015 studying neuroplasticity, positive psychology, and systems to enhance productivity.
Science clearly shows that, via your thoughts and actions, you can prime your brain to enhance positive experiences and mood, as well as engage emotional resilience during negative experiences.
Another important consideration as you enter 2016:
Daily planning and review will help you define goals and guide behavior in a manner more harmonious with your long term aspirations.
It’s important to develop a clear picture of your overarching goals and desired life balance. Then, use a daily accountability system to become more mindful of how you choose to dedicate your time. Evaluate the consistency of your behaviors with your stated goals.
Tools to start the New Year with a focus on emotional well being:
1. Consider taking this Positive Psychology online course via Coursera.org.
The instructor, Dr. Barbara L. Fredrickson, is a psychology professor at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, and is President-Elect of the International Positive Psychology Association. This course is free if you opt out of receiving a course certificate; $49 if you would like to receive a certificate of completion.
2. Learn more about Positive Neuroplasticity here.
You can use this free Daily Shoring template for your Daily Accounting and Positivity Focus.
3. If you’re looking for a comprehensive Calendar, Goals Planner, and Emotional Wellness Tool:
Consider the Daily Shoring Planner–available for purchase on Amazon.com, or if you’re a client at Ware Wellness Group, pick up your free copy at the office!
Happy New Year and all the best in 2016!
The SMART Goals process is based on defining the following for your goal or project:
- Specific Goal
- Metric
- Attainability
- Relevance
- Time Specific
This technique is great for defining goals and setting objectives. If you are not familiar with SMART Goals, there’s a quick tutorial at the end of this post.
(Here’s a downloadable pdf worksheet I created, based on the SMART Goals process.)
However, I keep running into a problem with SMART Goals–I find they are great for building habits and lifestyle changes, but incomplete when applied to projects.
The best way to start a project is to list out all the steps in the project you can think of. This accomplishes two things:
- The list allows you to capture all the parts of the whole in one place–creating this Gestalt will help your brain organize the project and get a sense of the time and energy involved in the project.
- Breaking the project down to each step makes it easier to begin–crossing just one thing off the list creates momentum.
So, I needed an easy project-based To-Do list. I created this list (you can download here), which I call Project ACT because it has three columns:
- Accountability: How will you hold yourself accountable to complete this step? Do you need to report to someone? Or, if you have delegated, who is accountable? Maybe you’re using the reward system; if so, list the reward you get when you complete this step.
- Concrete Task: This is where you list all the steps. There’s plenty of room for notes and specifics.
- Timing: After listing all the steps, you might rank them in terms of importance or order for completion. Alternatively, you can list a date for when you want to complete the step, or simply check it off with the date when completed.
Hope this helps! If you want to read more about SMART Goals, keep reading.
SMART Goals are used to create habits or lifestyle changes. The process is based on defining:
Specific Goal
Metric
Attainable
Relevance
Time Specific
The first step is to take an overarching goal and identify any discrete components of this overarching goal. As an example, take the goal, “I want to live a healthy life.” My list of components for this goal include:
Eat a healthy diet
Maintain a healthy body weight
Engage in physical activity on a daily basis
Practice mindfulness meditation
Get enough sleep
If you’re just beginning to create a lifesyle change or new habit, it might be overwhelming to address each component simultaneously. If that’s the case, choose just one or two components for SMART Goals, and once those lifestyle changes become habitual, you can tackle more.
For this example, let’s choose “Eat a healthy diet.” Even this subcomponent of “I want to live a healthy life” can have dozens of applications! Do you want to eat more vegetables, prepare more food at home, avoid transfats, cut out soft drinks? This is why it’s important to break things down into specific, manageable components. Doing any one of these is great, but trying to do all of them at once may not be sustainable. So choose one or two and identify a Specific Goal. In this example, let’s say you choose “Eat more vegetables.”
As you’re deciding on your Specific Goal for your SMART Goal, you should be incorporating the other SMART Goal concepts:
Metric: How will you measure progress toward your goal? Identify specific behaviors and put a number on them. In this example, you could say, “I will eat fresh vegetables twice a day.”
Attainable: Your SMART Goal has to be attainable within a reasonable amount of time. It’s usually best to set SMART Goals that are attainable within a week or a month. For our example, eating more fresh vegetables is certainly attainable within a week or month.
Relevance: Your SMART Goal must harmonize with your values, overarching goals, and stage of life. If the goal is not currently relevant, you can designate the goal for reconsideration in the future. Also, if the goal is relevant but would be a particular challenge this month, consider postponing the goal. For our example–eating more fresh vegetables is always something to work toward, but if you will be travelling away from home a great deal over the next month, it may be hard to establish this as a new habit. It’s fine to wait a month until your routine settles down–but consider working toward another goal instead that is more relevant and harmonious.
Time Specific: One of the basic tenets of goal setting is that goals should be time-specific, i.e., there should be a point at which you want to accomplish the goal. How does this work for habits and lifestyle changes? Identify the timeframe you are working with, i.e., this week or this month. Then, identify the behaviors you expect from yourself, incorporating the specific goal and metric. For our example, the Specific Goal is to “Eat fresh vegetables,” the Metric is “twice per day” and the Time could be “twenty out of thirty days this month.”
